Heartbreak......when you least expect it.

My sweet kids,

I haven't found the words to tell you this, but this week, 

we learned that our beloved nanny, 

who I call Mary Poppins, is leaving us.  

Even worse, she has moved away, given no notice, and isn't responding to texts, calls, or emails.  

I am heartbroken.  

This last year has been beyond difficult for me, and often, 

I would say that Mary Poppins was the glue keeping us together.  

She was the calm in our chaotic lives.  

She was both the glitter and glue, while I am heavy on glue.  

This will be a loss we grieve.  We have loved her like a family member.  

She hasn't felt like a stranger in our home, she has blended in with our daily rhythms. 

Mary Poppins has loved the three of you like you were her own.  

She has pulled together last minute costumes, baked festive holiday treats, 

pulled together easter baskets, shopped for groceries and birthday presents, 

cleaned closets, taken you to doctor's appointments, 

and given you snuggles at the end of a long day.

Mostly, I am stunned that she is gone without so much as a goodbye.  

We hope she finds her way to a safe, happy life, but mostly, 

we will be sad that she is gone from ours.

xoxo

mom

Where to begin

Dear Taylor, Anna and Hudson,

Where to begin.  Summer is in full swing and I have failed to write you. There are so many things I wish I could say to each of you, and so many things your eyes tell me. Mostly, I see from you frustration, exhaustion? I hope joy? 

Yesterday marked two years since Grandpa died. 731 days. I have missed him for 731 days and it is still so hard.  Nothing slowed down yesterday to give me a chance to reflect, pause....remember. There is never enough time to mourn him.  I reflected that we had survived and thrived the last two years, but in thinking about that, to say I have thrived wouldn't be true.  I have come completely unraveled. I try to imagine what my dad would say and I don't know.  The thing about Grandpa is that he was the kindest person in that he would do anything for anyone. He took care of everything. If I needed something, he fixed it. Now, that I have to stand on my feet, really for the first time, I can't.

My sweet three, I am so sorry I am not doing a better job. I will find a way to get back to the mom you know, or a version of her.

I love you to the moon and back.

Xoxo

Mom

Silence

Dear Anna and Taylor,

You have gone with your Grandma to the cabin and there is almost silence here.  Hudson asks "where are my guuuurls? I miss my guuuurls." I say "me too buddy, me too."

Dad is in Japan and because of the chaos that comes with the new roof, Hudson spends his days at Mary Poppins' house.  Yes, three is the buzz of saws, the humm of the nail gun with predictable rhythm of nails shooting into the roof, but the house itself is quiet.

Beds are made, the dishwasher is quiet , the washer and dryer are still.  There are no requests for help finding a missing sock, scheduling a play date, a snack, a ride. Just me and my thoughts. 

I eagerly await Hudson's arrival home each day, he has so much joy in his eyes, so many stories to tell. My mind can refocus on tasks rather than thoughts. We walk the block, water the flowers, drive aimlessly.  We run on Hudson's time and follow his lead. Rice crispier for dinner at 8pm- no problem. I don't recognize myself.

I can't wait for you to get home. I can't imagine coping while you are at sleep away camp later this summer!!!

Xoxo mom

Hip Hop Hooray, Ho, Hey.

Girls,

You were amazing.  You blew my doors off with your hip hopping.

I loved absolutely every single second.  Mostly watching my girls do their thing.  The entire time I thought to myself, "daddy would be saying that they get their moves from him!!!"

xoxo
mom

Flux

My sweet three,

So much is in flux.  

A year is ending- you have each had such a good year. 1st and 3rd grade are almost behind us. Summer begins.  Activity schedules are changing.  The cousins are coming.  

We transition.  We put away 180 days of hard work.  The first day of school feels like yesterday.  I can't believe how much you two have grown this year.  YOu seem so much older than this picture.

The pace slows down significantly after the last mass of the year...... when the saints go marching out.  I cry.  Every. Single. Year.

Uniforms are packed away for the summer. Flip flops and bathing suits and sun dresses come out.  It is a good time of year in so many ways.  

The hardest thing for me is getting used to a new schedule.  I really love a schedule, with early bed times, and order, and checklists.  We will try to do things a little bit different this year.  Less structure.  More late evening walks and bike rides.  Fewer things on those checklists.  More spontaneity.  

Let's see how we do this summer.  Shall we, my loves?

We are going to do our very best. 

xoxox

mom

Lazy Saturday

Who wants to spend the morning at the fly shop?

Daddy!

Actually the three of you loved it too.

You checked out the tank of algae, boy that was exciting.

 You looked at the many, many lures.

 And these thingys were super popular.

 Daddy was so happy.

Taylor, you found waders you loved.

Anna, you found a fly vest you wanted.

Hudson, you almost broke thousands of dollars worth of fishing poles.

After our adventure, we stopped for In-N-Out

then dropped the boys at home for naps.

Girls, we headed off for some fun mother/daughter time.

Anna, we got our hair washed and dried- I can't believe how long and luscious

your hair is looking these days. 

 Then it was off to T-Pumps for these drinks that you all love.

Popping boba?  What is that?

I don't understand the craze at all.

From there we headed home- you all had a sleepover with Hubs while Dad and I had a city night.

xoxo

mom

A doctor a day.....

Dear Kids,

This is a familiar space.  Really familiar.

Dr. Jay's office.

I arrive and turn off the lights, turn on music, and wait.

 Peace. Quiet. A moment to be still with my thoughts.

We average a few appointments each week and it is tiring.

And expensive.

I have been home with you for almost two months.

The pros: 

-Time.  A lot of time with each of you.

-Connections. I am getting to know you in your environment- school.

I am getting to know your friends and their moms.

-Pace.  Our pace is slower.

-Therapy.  It is amazing- sometimes when someone you don't really know

tells you something about yourself. You believe them.

Even when the people that love you most have been telling you the same thing for years.

The cons:

Drama.  With connection comes drama.

Oh the drama of girls.  Ugh.  I could do without any of it.

-Time. Too much of it sometimes.

Too much time with my thoughts.

-Organization.  When I barely had time to breathe, I was uber organized.

Now that I have time, I am super disorganized.

Well loves, I love you each to the moon and back.

I am counting the minutes until summer.

xoxox

mom