My thoughts on being your mom....

Dear Taylor, Anna, and Hudson,

I have been so slow in writing to you these past few weeks, though you have weighed heavily on my mind.  Winter break was long but lovely.  It was so nice to spend time with each of you playing board games, reading books, lounging around doing not much of anything.  We are trying hard to preserve that pace, and while I have said here before that some days will be a failure at this, others will not.

In the past week, I have once again been enjoying my spot in the middle place.  I have been caring for my mom/Hubbie, and caring for each of you.  I think that so far, this has been one of the most difficult things I have done, and at the same time, the loneliest and the saddest. You see, I only have one parent left, and I need her.  You need her.  We count on her to fill the gaps.  I am not the softest person, she is.  I don't make charts with drawings on them and stickers and rewards, she does.  She can sit and listen to you read and sound out words for hours.  She can practice math facts with the patience of Mother Theresa.  I bring different things to the picture, but we both add value.  While I sat in the cancer center last week waiting what felt like an eternity for her surgery to finish, I felt alone and I missed you so much.  I craved the routines of our day.  I watched time tick by.  I wore my mom's watch with mine, mostly for comfort.

 I watched a beautiful sunset.  The crowd in the waiting room dwindled throughout the day to just three of us, sitting there long past dark.  Waiting. 

We just did this a few months ago (more here). This time, after days and days in the hospital, I brought her home to recover at our house.  Daddy is gone, Hubbie needed me, you three needed me, and I needed you. You three bring joy and distraction, which I think helps heal.  

Once again, we blended and pureed.  This time, the end of the day looked like this.  

You caught us up on your day, Hudson brought his bucket of trucks to play.  

There was noise, and with that came a bit of joy.

While I know my mom won't live forever, 

she is ours to care for and appreciate as long as we have her.

I am so grateful to have the chance to do so.

The days were hard and long, and boy am I tired. 

I am so grateful to each of you for your help.

The hugs and kisses at the end of the day.

Your sensing that I was struggling and doing your very best.

Thank you.

xoxo

mom