Easter 2014

My sweet loves,

Well, this Easter was something different.

We didn't dye eggs or hunt for them.

The bunny didn't have baskets this year, just a few tokens from Japan

and treats on the counter when you came down for breakfast.

Girls, you went to mass with Daddy while Hudson napped.

We were off to the city by early afternoon for a fun afternoon with Hubbie.

Egg hunting.  Linner (lunch-dinner).

Too much sugar.

Fun new books.

This was not my best effort and I have felt terrible for days.

You all wanted to dye eggs but I couldn't pull it together.

We bought eggs, we bought dye.
Maybe this week?

 I have been home for two weeks today.

The three of you don't seem to notice either way. 

The days overwhelm me.

Each morning I set out to accomplish ONE thing.  ONE. 

It blows my mind that I hope to do ONE thing and sometimes can't do it.

My list of things to do is long.  

Tasks fall off as I don't do them and too much time passes.

 I looked at each of you on Easter, and thought about new beginnings.

A new pace for our family.

A more peaceful tone.

A happier, more balanced mama.

In the meantime, I have bottles of pills for the days, and more bottles to sleep at night.

I feel flat.  Daddy says I am different.

Flat is better than panic and anxiety and migraines.

Sleeping with pills is better than not sleeping,

 a locked jaw and the headache that comes with grinding my teeth.

 I am sure that the three of you will not remember this time, but I will.

I tried to do too much, and didn't succeed. 

I fell short and fell apart.

Now, I have to find away to pull myself back together.

One task at a time.

I am so sorry that I am flat for each of you, 

that I couldn't muster the energy to dye eggs, 

or make easter baskets.

I'm sorry that I have not planned birthday parties.

It all seems far too daunting.

 I don't recognize my face in the picture above but I know my jaw is clenched.

I wish I had another arm to wrap around you Anna.

 Hudson, you are growing up so fast. 

Before my eyes.

I am grateful for each of you, each day.

I am grateful that if each of you have noticed that I am here, you have not said something.

"Mommy had a complete nervous breakdown" is tricky to explain to young girls.

I am trying to be an example to you girls that you can be a good mom and successful in your career and a happy person with a good marriage.  

This is all a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.

xoxo

mom