How on earth?

My Sweet Loves,

 Three weeks and one day.  22 very long days, and sleepless nights.  How did I become this low-functioning, medicated, therapy-needing person?  Katrina Alcorn wrote this article......I am not alone.

 Her first paragraph brought me to tears.

I was one of those women who seemed to “have it all”: a loving husband, beautiful children and a fabulous career running a department for a Web-design agency. It was a lot to juggle, but I was determined to make it work. Like so many women in my position, I became hyperefficient. I learned to complete 10 hours of work in five and make dinner in less time than it takes to watch a PBS cartoon. I learned to make fundraising calls for my daughter’s preschool while pumping breast milk in a conference room, and eat dinner while washing the dishes. I learned to delegate, prioritize, negotiate and, when necessary, give up seeing friends, alone time with my husband and — hardest of all — sleep.

I thought I could do it all.  I am sad-  I have missed so much time with the three of you and given you my absolute worst for all of your lives, while trying to do so many things.  I am grieving for my dad- he died 22 months ago.  I am devastated- I have worked so so hard for a job for a decade that seems to have vanished from my grips in minutes.  

Working mom- check.  
Medical appointment manager- check
Health insurance auditor and advocate- check
Sports scheduler- check
Playdate manager- check
House COO- check
House CFO- barely check
Room mom- check 
Sister- check
Daughter caring for sick parent- check
Soccer team mom- check 
Lunatic late for everything- check
Friend- barely
Wife- barely
Chef- outsourced
Errand runner- outsourced
Manager- thank god for Mary Poppins

In all of this, so many things have fallen through the cracks. At best, I have managed these roles reactively.   Need a tip for dinner delivery- I am your girl.  Need the most elaborate and detailed summer planning calendar in the history of time- right here! Room mom- no problem- I can handle that in my spare time between 11:59pm and 12:20am! "I've got it." has come out of my mouth so many times while I thought, "who the f#*k am I kidding? I don't have this."  

One week after my died I wrote:

Time passing

I am tired.  Really really tired.  It is 9:07pm and only one kid is sleeping.  The girls are running around, Freddie is watching the iPad and Tomas and Justin are watching a movie.  I am going back to work tomorrow.  I was looking at my work emails so I wouldn't hit a brick wall tomorrow and I was reading all the dates as before dad died, and after dad died.  I can't believe it has been a week.  I really can't believe that last week at this time, we were in Florida.  I feel like the time is passing too quickly.  Time stood still when we were in Florida.  I felt like there really wasn't much time to be sad- there were too many papers too sort, things to clean, photos to look at... but there wasn't time to be sad. 
I can only hope that as time passes it gets easier, but for now, I am still just so so sad.  :(

I have not made progress since that post, 21 months ago.  I am exhausted.  I am overwhelmed and I am sad.  I don't know how to move forward.  What I do know each and every day is that I am lucky to be your mom.  I am lucky to be Daddy's wife.  There will be a better day.

xoxo

mom