How on earth?

My Sweet Loves,

 Three weeks and one day.  22 very long days, and sleepless nights.  How did I become this low-functioning, medicated, therapy-needing person?  Katrina Alcorn wrote this article......I am not alone.

 Her first paragraph brought me to tears.

I was one of those women who seemed to “have it all”: a loving husband, beautiful children and a fabulous career running a department for a Web-design agency. It was a lot to juggle, but I was determined to make it work. Like so many women in my position, I became hyperefficient. I learned to complete 10 hours of work in five and make dinner in less time than it takes to watch a PBS cartoon. I learned to make fundraising calls for my daughter’s preschool while pumping breast milk in a conference room, and eat dinner while washing the dishes. I learned to delegate, prioritize, negotiate and, when necessary, give up seeing friends, alone time with my husband and — hardest of all — sleep.

I thought I could do it all.  I am sad-  I have missed so much time with the three of you and given you my absolute worst for all of your lives, while trying to do so many things.  I am grieving for my dad- he died 22 months ago.  I am devastated- I have worked so so hard for a job for a decade that seems to have vanished from my grips in minutes.  

Working mom- check.  
Medical appointment manager- check
Health insurance auditor and advocate- check
Sports scheduler- check
Playdate manager- check
House COO- check
House CFO- barely check
Room mom- check 
Sister- check
Daughter caring for sick parent- check
Soccer team mom- check 
Lunatic late for everything- check
Friend- barely
Wife- barely
Chef- outsourced
Errand runner- outsourced
Manager- thank god for Mary Poppins

In all of this, so many things have fallen through the cracks. At best, I have managed these roles reactively.   Need a tip for dinner delivery- I am your girl.  Need the most elaborate and detailed summer planning calendar in the history of time- right here! Room mom- no problem- I can handle that in my spare time between 11:59pm and 12:20am! "I've got it." has come out of my mouth so many times while I thought, "who the f#*k am I kidding? I don't have this."  

One week after my died I wrote:

Time passing

I am tired.  Really really tired.  It is 9:07pm and only one kid is sleeping.  The girls are running around, Freddie is watching the iPad and Tomas and Justin are watching a movie.  I am going back to work tomorrow.  I was looking at my work emails so I wouldn't hit a brick wall tomorrow and I was reading all the dates as before dad died, and after dad died.  I can't believe it has been a week.  I really can't believe that last week at this time, we were in Florida.  I feel like the time is passing too quickly.  Time stood still when we were in Florida.  I felt like there really wasn't much time to be sad- there were too many papers too sort, things to clean, photos to look at... but there wasn't time to be sad. 
I can only hope that as time passes it gets easier, but for now, I am still just so so sad.  :(

I have not made progress since that post, 21 months ago.  I am exhausted.  I am overwhelmed and I am sad.  I don't know how to move forward.  What I do know each and every day is that I am lucky to be your mom.  I am lucky to be Daddy's wife.  There will be a better day.

xoxo

mom

Easter 2014

My sweet loves,

Well, this Easter was something different.

We didn't dye eggs or hunt for them.

The bunny didn't have baskets this year, just a few tokens from Japan

and treats on the counter when you came down for breakfast.

Girls, you went to mass with Daddy while Hudson napped.

We were off to the city by early afternoon for a fun afternoon with Hubbie.

Egg hunting.  Linner (lunch-dinner).

Too much sugar.

Fun new books.

This was not my best effort and I have felt terrible for days.

You all wanted to dye eggs but I couldn't pull it together.

We bought eggs, we bought dye.
Maybe this week?

 I have been home for two weeks today.

The three of you don't seem to notice either way. 

The days overwhelm me.

Each morning I set out to accomplish ONE thing.  ONE. 

It blows my mind that I hope to do ONE thing and sometimes can't do it.

My list of things to do is long.  

Tasks fall off as I don't do them and too much time passes.

 I looked at each of you on Easter, and thought about new beginnings.

A new pace for our family.

A more peaceful tone.

A happier, more balanced mama.

In the meantime, I have bottles of pills for the days, and more bottles to sleep at night.

I feel flat.  Daddy says I am different.

Flat is better than panic and anxiety and migraines.

Sleeping with pills is better than not sleeping,

 a locked jaw and the headache that comes with grinding my teeth.

 I am sure that the three of you will not remember this time, but I will.

I tried to do too much, and didn't succeed. 

I fell short and fell apart.

Now, I have to find away to pull myself back together.

One task at a time.

I am so sorry that I am flat for each of you, 

that I couldn't muster the energy to dye eggs, 

or make easter baskets.

I'm sorry that I have not planned birthday parties.

It all seems far too daunting.

 I don't recognize my face in the picture above but I know my jaw is clenched.

I wish I had another arm to wrap around you Anna.

 Hudson, you are growing up so fast. 

Before my eyes.

I am grateful for each of you, each day.

I am grateful that if each of you have noticed that I am here, you have not said something.

"Mommy had a complete nervous breakdown" is tricky to explain to young girls.

I am trying to be an example to you girls that you can be a good mom and successful in your career and a happy person with a good marriage.  

This is all a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.

xoxo

mom

Par-tay

Tay and Anna,

Is there a better way to kick off spring break than spa parties and sleep overs?  I think not.
One of Anna's cute friends invited her to a fantastic 7th birthday party, and Taylor, you got to join as the friend of the big sister:)

The following are banned as part of your uniform: any hair coloring, nail polish.  So, this party included both, much to your pure joy!

A pink tipped braid- check!
Manicures- check!

Oh boy Taylor, I am not sure what daddy would think of his sweet baby girl with pink hair, 

but this will probably wash out before he sees it:)

 Happiness is a mani/pedi.

 One of the super nice moms offered to take our picture and I am so glad she did:)

I love having pics with my girl.

 You had the most elaborate pattern for your nails Anna!

What a lucky lady that helped you while you described in explicit details 

what you wanted on each nail.

Such a fun day and a great start to spring break.

Backpacks are put away

Homework is done for a while.

Every day for the next ten days you both have free dress!

So, ladies, we have a lot of fun plans next week for you.

I can't wait for you to have some time to breathe.

xoxo

mom

Nine!

My sweet Taylor,

You are nine years old today.  

I remember the minute you were born- I have never felt more complete or peaceful in my life.  

You made me a mom, and these years have been remarkable in many ways, 

but my favorite parts have been the ordinary days.  

You are in such a good place right now.  

School is going well, you are loving all your activities,

you continue to be a voracious reader, and are ever the adventurous eater.

You didn't ask for much for your birthday, but definitely wanted a few key things:

1. A trash can. (a new hot pink one is under your desk)

2. Curtains

3. Throw pillows

4. Snap Circuits Lights

5. Snap Circuits Rover

6. A swim backback (yours was ripped)

7. A swim parka.

You really wanted a parakeet to, but that was out of the question:)

So, your revised room with curtains and all.

 You fun new throw pillows.

One bed says "smile" the other "love"

Hudson thinks the letters on your pillows are SUPER fun.

 Alex picked up the CUTEST outfits for you.  This color is amazing on you.

Best of all, you were showered with love by your brother and sister.

Boy oh boy did they have the best time with you today.

Hudson said, "happy birthday, cha cha cha" as much as humanly possible.

 A snuggle with my girl.

This picture makes my heart SING! I love the way you two are looking at eachother.

 Snap Circuits

We love you so much Taylor girl.

You are the perfect leader for your sister and brother.

And the best part is, that I think you are just hitting your stride.

Here is to another amazing year.

xoxo

mom

Go Tay!

Taylor,

What a fun day!

You have been practicing, and working so hard, 

and had such fun at your first swim meet!

I absolutely loved spending the day with just you.

We had to be in Pacifica by 7:30, which meant a 6:50 departure (with time for Starbucks).

We arrived, you checked yourself in while I parked (so proud of you for that),

then jumped in to start warm ups. 

I could not believe how little the pool had changed since I had been there about 28 years ago.

You swam 

100 IM (DQ)

25 Back 

25 Breast (DQ)

25 Free

 Luckily some school friends were also there, which was such fun!

 25 Back!  Watching you swim is so much like watching 

Meggie swim.  I feel like we are kids again.

 "Swimmers take your mark."

 Just before the 25 free.

 Loved it all baby girl!

xoxo

mom

A Hard Earned Milestone

My Sweet Anna,

You graduated from OT. 

One year of very hard work.

One year of dedication from your therapist.

One year of spirit and humor.

One year of frustration.

Two steps forward, one step back.

BUT

YOU DID IT!

I am not sure I can define what IT is, but we reached a finish line.

Anna, we are so so proud of you.

 You celebrated by baking a cake. By yourself.

Renee brought sparkling cider.

We had silly faces. Smiles.

 It was a great day.

Congratulations to both of you.

I am so thrilled.

xoxo

mom

Taking time

My sweet kids,

I have been having such a hard time lately.  

I have been trying to do too much, and have not done anything well.  

In the course of this, I have been grumpy, short, tired, stressed out, 

and generally unpleasant to be around. 

 I have not slept, I have had migraines, I have cried.  

Being a mom is a big job, not necessarily easy or hard, but it is a job and I take it seriously. 

 I love being your mom more than anything.

There has been no greater joy for me.

I am hoping that I get to the place where we can experience this together 

rather than the grumpy mom you have had.

  Because my day job has been really hard too, 

you three have been on the receiving end of my everything- 

last nerve, last bit of patience, frustration, exhaustion. 

All of it.  

I am so so sorry.

I am working on it though.  

I am trying to pull myself out of this.  

For each of you.

 For dad. 

Mostly for me.

And for moments like these:

I love you guys more than anything.
You are my world.
xoxo
mom